Blog #1 Ode to Imposters
I spent a lot of time in the halls of the Eastman School of Music — practicing, performing and most of all, worrying. Is my playing good enough? Do I have the talent to back up being here? Will I get a job that pays my bills after graduating? Was going to a top-tier institution worth it? How long will it take me to pay off the student loans? Many faculty members, the dean of graduate students, and my closest friends assured me that I was not an imposter and that I was there because of my abilities and my potential for future success. Yet the feeling lingered. I judged every single note I played or wrote by the strictest standards. I would berate myself during practice sessions and leave feeling like I had accomplished nothing after three or four hours. Even when things were going well, I convinced myself that I was behind, that I needed to work harder. It always felt like there was no way to get ahead. One conversation with a peer confirmed that I was not “Eastman quality.” While sitting at a bar we conversed about college admissions and the fact that the school was lowering its standards for graduate students. In essence, I was of a lower quality because I didn’t come from a prestigious high school or college program. I’m ashamed to say that at that moment I whole-heartedly agreed. I should have been angry, but all I felt was relief. Someone had finally figured out that I was in the wrong place. They saw me for what I was, an imposter masquerading as an artist.
Imposter syndrome is a mental trap we set for ourselves when our expectations don’t match our skills during self-assessment. This “gap” in our self-understanding can lead to unhealthy actions and negative thinking loops if we don’t address the situation with objectivity. I’ve realized that this feeling is prevalent everywhere. Many people in conservatories, state schools, community colleges, and the workplace have dealt with imposter syndrome. According to the web-based work management platform Asana, 62% of knowledge workers experience imposter syndrome” which indicates a high prevalence of this phenomenon.” These feelings are driven by cultural expectations and the lies that we tell ourselves about how good we are supposed to be when we arrive. I’ve watched many students and young professionals fall into the same negative mental traps that I experienced in graduate school. Thankfully, there is a path forward. If we can learn to reframe imposter syndrome as an opportunity to grow, it can help channel the energy spent worrying into positive action.
I learned a massive amount during graduate school. I came to understand the learning process, how to set lofty goals, how to achieve them, and what to do when failure strikes. Most importantly, I learned about the habits and work ethic of people who are successful in the music industry. A faculty member gave me the following bit of wisdom during a frustrating rehearsal that continues to help me think about the learning process. There are three kinds of people in the world: 1) people who make things happen 2) people who watch things happen 3) and people who say “what happened?” If you aren’t a person who makes things happen and you find yourself in another category, you should work to move to the next one.
To be that kind of person you’ve got to let go of your perfectionism, stop comparing yourself to your peers, and do the hard work of being honest about where you are and what you need to do to improve. I’ve made significant leaps in this process over the past 10 years but I’m not where I want to be. If you resonate with this feeling of imposter syndrome, I suggest you do a couple of things. First, your goal should be to learn as much as possible in your situation without falling into the self-comparison trap. Next, try doing something you enjoy but that you aren’t good at a few times a week. Learning something for fun will help shed some of your perfectionistic tendencies. Thirdly, remember healthy self-talk. You aren’t an idiot, dumb, a failure, or any of the things you tell yourself. You are learning and there is no other way to achieve your goals than by doing a volume of work with the understanding that the work won’t initially be at the level you want when you begin. Finally, talk to someone about how you feel. Many people have experienced imposter syndrome and sharing your feelings averts the self-imposed isolation that many people experience. If the feelings linger and you have significant distress, persistent self-doubt, or your ability to function normally is disrupted, you should find a mental health provider to help you work through these feelings. Remember, be kind to yourself while you are learning.
By all accounts, I have been a successful imposter. I landed a job at a small liberal arts institution and over seven years, worked to become the Chair of the Department with responsibility as the college-wide Assessment Coordinator. Recently, I decided to leave that position to build a woodwind studio, compose, and to explore ways to be helpful to music education beyond the paywall of full-time Higher Ed. I’m going to be sharing my reflections as I go with the hope that folks who are struggling with imposter syndrome and perfectionism will find strategies and a community of people who are continually striving to be better in a way that prioritizes healthy personal growth.
