Ode To Imposters - A Bias Toward Action
I spent a lot of time in the halls of the Eastman School of Music and much of it was spent worrying. My primary worry was that I was not the qualified to be there in the first place. I worried about everything: Is my playing good enough? Do I actually have the talent to back up being here? Will I get a suitable job after graduating? Was going to a top tier institution was worth it? How will long will it take me to pay off the student loans? Many faculty members and my closest friends encouraged and assured me that I was not an imposter and yet the feeling lingered. One conversation with a peer confirmed that I was not “Eastman quality”. What a relief, someone had figured it out. They recognized that I was in the wrong place. They saw the imposter masquerading as artist.
Though an imposter, I learned a massive amount. Most importantly, I learned about the the habits and work ethic of the people that are successful in the music world. During a frustrating rehearsal a faculty member gave my combo this bit of wisdom. There are three kinds of people in the world: 1) people who make things happen 2) people who watch things happen, 3) and people who say what happened? If you aren’t a person who makes things happen and your find yourself in another category, you should work to move to the next one.
My natural state is an observer. My training as an over-analyzer started early and is engrained in the culture where I grew up. Other tenants of this culture include resistance to change, perfectionism, striving for excellence but never telling anyone to guarantee humility, and staying in a pattern of comfort while analyzing a situation instead of providing solutions.
My case of imposter syndrome lingered for nearly 10 years after grad school and I’ve realized that this syndrome is alive and well at every place that grants degrees. Many people in conservatories, state schools, and community colleges have imposter syndrome. And this doesn’t even touch iceberg of imposter syndrome in educational settings outside of the 4 year collegiate experience. Much of this syndrome is driven by cultural expectations and the lies that we tell ourselves about how good we are supposed to be instead of focusing our time and efforts on learning and growing.
By all accounts I have been successful imposter. I landed a job as an adjunct at a small liberal arts institution and over seven years, worked my way up to become the Chair of the Department with additional responsibility as the college-wide Assessment Coordinator. A position I recently resigned to jump “off the cliff” hurtling me toward my new identity as a person who makes things happen. I have been all of the things I’ve written about including a navel-gazer offering solutions akin to thimbles of water while the house fire consumes the rafters. Thats why I started this blog. It the first step on the path toward my new identity.
As one of my composition teachers taught me “the muse will find you, but it has to find you working”. If there is one thing I know its this: You will feel like an imposter even when you aren’t one. You’re bad at that thing you are working on until it lands and that’s ok. You’ll never be as ready as your perfectionism wants you to be. The growth process takes time but the point is that you get there. And when you do, do us all a favor and use the things you’ve learned to make the world better.
